Still Weird Read online

  “Of course, once the plague’s done, we’re both out of a job.”

  “Looks like your X-rays are just more of the same, Mr. Jennings.”

  “It looks like we can’t expect much in the way of benign guidance.”

  “Here it comes!”

  “Fred, I think you’re spending altogether too much time down here with these mushrooms!”

  “… is pleased to announce a complete and devastating victory over the enemy. This is a recorded message. The government is pleased…”

  “Now exactly at what hour of the evening of December the twenty-fourth did Professor Pohlman query you as to the best method of killing Miss Burkhardt?”

  “You know very well you’re not supposed to beg at the table!”

  “Excuse me for shouting—I thought you were farther away.”

  “I’d say it’s a pretty obvious case of evolution taking a wrong turn.”

  “Well, we found out what’s been clogging your chimney since last December, Miss Emmy.”

  “Look—I’ve really got to leave!”

  “I’m afraid we have a skeptic among us.…”

  “I’m sorry—where was I?”

  “I’ll talk! I’ll TALK!”

  “Take it from me, Mr. Kirby—you’re an ear, nose and throat man’s dream.”

  “I’m far from done, you fool!”

  “This preparation will eliminate fleas, this one ticks, this one various other vermin and considerable fungi, and this one will eliminate the dog itself.”

  ‘Something’s gone horribly wrong with the copying machine!”

  “Then Mrs. Cratchit entered, smiling proudly, with the pudding. Oh, a wonderful pudding! Shaped like a cannonball, blazing in half a quartern of ignited brandy bedight with Christmas holly stuck into the top, and stuffed full with plums and sweetmeats and sodium diacetate and monoglyceride and potassium bromate and aluminum phosphate and calcium phosphate monobasic and chloromine T and aluminum potassium sulfate and calcium propionate and sodium alginate and butylated hydroxyanisole and…”

  “I think I can speak for an entire generation when I say I’m either in my thirties or in my forties.”

  “There’re damned few who can walk away!”

  “So when did you start up your collection, Mrs. Fennerman?”

  “Harry!”

  “Oh, go away!”

  “Since there are no dissenting votes, let the minutes read that I am once again elected chairman of the board and granted another raise in salary.”

  “I’ve tried to make it as authentic as I could!”

  “Good lord, Holmes! How did you come to know I’d seafood for lunch?”

  “Best damn special effects man in the business!”

  “My God—it must really be bad tonight!”

  “Sorry, son, but from now on you’re classified.”

  “I am sorry, ma’am, but this is really very much out of my line.”

  “Wait a minute. There’s another little wrinkly spot over here.”

  “Here comes another!”

  “Fetch!”

  “Look like nice folks—”

  “Professor Zlata! You’re just in time to be the planet Neptune!”

  “Don’t get it wrong, Bridget—the sacrifice of a white rooster every third day at precisely high noon without fail!”

  “… but then I realized in order to make it work I’d have to invent a socket and God knows what else.”

  “Hold it, Charlie.”

  “I’m starting to suspect those things orbiting closer in are just hunks of minerals!”

  “I’ve always known R.H. would be able to do that!”

  “Have you been mean to Mr. Chair?”

  “You know, Larry, with a smart lawyer you could make a lot of money!”

  “I think we’ve located the cause of that tie-up at Thirty-fourth Street and Seventh Avenue!”

  “Gee—it’s just like in the movies!”

  “She’s just toying with you, Parker!”

  “We’re not going to get anywhere with this guy until sunrise.”

  “Well, now—what do you think of what Mr. Id just said, Mr. Super Ego?”

  “Now that you’ve come of age, son, I think it’s time your old dad let you in on our little family curse.”

  “His first?”

  “Basically, we’re all trying to say the same thing.”

  “I wish you’d have a repairman fix it—it’s really getting on my nerves!”

  “Never mind, Nurse, I’ve spotted the boy!”

  “Damn it, Ferguson—grit your teeth and cut!”

  “Dump all my shares of Peabody and Fenner!”

  “Of course, there’s always Planet Earth.”

  “I think she heard us!”

  “Is it a straight drop to the street?”

  “You’re right—there is a letter ‘G’ in the verdict!”

  “Can’t we all stop squabbling?”

  “It sure is great to be back in France.”

  “Whoops—sorry!!!”

  “I’m afraid that tour’s already fully booked!”

  “Harry, this is turning out to be kind of a creepy vacation!”

  “Relax—all I want is a good table.”

  “Oh, yeah—we have lots of trouble with that one!”

  “I should say this takes care of your ‘intelligent life on Earth’ theory.”

  “I’ll just take a half dozen since they’re super jumbo.”

  “Of course you realize this may be a difficult birth.”

  “Okay. Turn on the sprinkler.”

  “Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!”

  “Women!”

  “There will be an enormous fly in your future!”

  “For God’s sake, man—do your part and bolt the stuff down!”

  “My husband, of course, will want a den.”

  “Is this yours?”

  “We are highly pleased at the negative comments by your former employer!”

  “Let’s get out of here—this place is driving me crazy!”

  “Let’s get out of here—this place is driving me crazy!”

  “Let’s get out of here—this place is driving me crazy!”

  “Let’s get out of here—this place is driving me crazy!”

  “Let’s get out of here—this place is driving me crazy!”

  “Watch out—it may be dangerous!”

  “She sure has big teeth for such a little old lady!”

  “I can remember when that sort of thing meant a lot to me!”

  “I’ll have some of what he’s having!”

  “The first time I saw you I knew you were the girl for me!”

  “Have you considered installing a dehumidifier?”

  “… but I’d forgotten that you’ve had him executed, haven’t you?”

  “I told you not to do that!”

  “Come on, folks—let’s see if we can’t bring him back for just one more commandment!”

  “What have you done now, Willy Smith?”

  “You are Lieutenant Phil Reardon of the Bunco Squad and are trying to nail me for fraud, but you will fail.”

  “Gee, I can even remember back to when you could eat them.”

  “Would you care to step out of the shop and see how it looks in the fog, Mr. Holmes?”

  “Let’s try and get through this autopsy, okay?”

  “Accursed daylight saving time!”

  “Oh, you see both sides to everything!”

  “Good heavens—this must mean we’ve practically finished him off!”

  “Damn—stepped on another one of them!”

  “Of course, their programming’s not aimed at us!”

  “I’ll let you have one when you’re not crazy.”

  “Keep chuckling. He has a way of suddenly stepping back into the room.”

  “Sir! The Moorne Castle Monster is under the strict protection of the National Historical Trust!”

  “What�
��s say we evolve into land animals!”

  “I just can’t seem to get myself organized this morning!”

  “I don’t like the looks of this!”

  “I think I’ve found the trouble, Mr. Nadler!”

  “But then summer’s always tough!”

  “I do wish you’d get over this morbid fear of spiders!”

  “I’m afraid it was a pretty bad year all around.”

  “Later.”

  “My goodness, Mr. Merryweather, we certainly did make a boo-boo with that prescription of yours!”

  “I think we have just the thing for that upset tummy of yours, Mrs. Starbright.…”

  “Beat it, Mac—this entourage is complete!”

  “Why—you’re kind of cute!”

  “Mind if we play through?”

  “The map ends here, too!”

  “I have to say they managed to cause a lot of damage for such a short-lived species.”

  “Okay, you’ve had your look. Now bug off.”

  “I’m sorry, madam, but these units are for display purposes only.”

  “The place hasn’t been the same since that hole in the ozone opened up!”

  “The one to the far right happens to be my own personal flag.”

  “… And if they won’t do it for me then strike them dead with a lightning bolt like you did with Uncle Sherman.”

  “We’ve got to lighten up those fortune cookies!”

  “I keep telling them to use sun block.”

  “Come over here, fellows—I think I’ve found the solution to our problem!”

  “It’s me!”

  “What do you say we give Chief Wapapatame here another of those Thanksgiving punches before talking over that little land deal?”

  “Oh, Irwin, I wish to God you’d get rid of that thing!”

  “Harry, I wish you’d stop doing that!”

  “Extraordinary thing, Watson—the clues indicate the killer to have been a man of your exact build and appearance!”

  “I think it’s his beeper.”

  “The whole thing’s much smaller than it seemed on TV.”

  “Most emphatic rejection of foreign tissue I’ve ever seen!”

  “I’m sorry, sir, but Professor Dornley does not wish to be disturbed for the duration of the winter.”

  “Honestly, Harry, I’ll never tease you again for carrying around that elephant gun!”

  “Yes, sir, that back molar’s got to go!”

  “I can’t tell you how relieved I was the first time I saw you during the full moon!”

  “To get to the main highway? Take the first left, turn along the hill till you get to the Devil’s mouth.”

  “Wait ’til it gets a little closer!”

  “He hasn’t touched a thing for weeks!”

  “Jeez, did we ever goof!”

  “Here, puss, puss, puss!”

  “Didn’t work out, eh?”

  “Well, Sam, baby, you pulled it off—the biggest deal of them all!”

  “I wish you wouldn’t worry so much about me, George. After all, I’m only a figment of your imagination.”

  “It’s for you, Muhammad!”

  “Dr. Kreuger—what are you doing in my recurrent nightmare?”

  “I’b sorry I’b gibing you this horribo co’d.”

  “It’s that bug that’s been going around town.”

  “Come on, Charlie, let me in on when you guys are making the break!”

  “Harry! You?”

  “This isn’t going to help, Edward.”

  “What are these funny black things you’ve sewn onto your sleeves, Edwin?”

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake, Fenner—let the chips fall where they may!”

  “It’s a break!”

  “You rang, sir?”

  “You’re supposed to push your envelope from the inside, Conners!”

  “I’d say in that outfit you can handle just about anything Mother Nature dishes out, Mr. Harper!”

  “The set you ordered arrived today, sir!”

  “Enough yin. More yang.”

  “One small step for a znargh—a giant stride for znarghkind!”

  “… And just what do you think you’re going to do with your silly death ray once you’ve finished it?!”

  “One B.L.T., one cherry pie, and one bowl of chili with crackers on the side!”

  “While we’ve got the chance, Dad, we’d like to thank you for these little glimpses of you we’ve had through the years!”

  “I suppose it was bound to happen.”

  “Get me God again, Miss Parker.”

  “Good lord, Holmes—you are a master of disguise!”

  “The sky looks blue because your protective lenses are tinted, dear.”

  “Let’s hope that with the passage of time the human race will become three-dimensional.”

  “It’s over, Harry!”

  “Here’s someone new for you to play with!”

  “Young Brewster’s really coming along, isn’t he?”

  “Now if the FDA doesn’t tumble to us, we’ll make a bundle!”

  “It was years before I realized they don’t really need me after a certain number of drinks.”

  “Yes, these will do nicely.”

  “Only mushrooms—no toadstools or footstools!”

  “Kill!”

  “I take it, Senator, you approve of the present seniority system.”