Still Weird Read online

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  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Notice

  Begin Reading

  About the Author

  Copyright

  “Face it, Edwin—it isn’t that we’ve all turned into teddy bears, it’s that you’ve gone crazy!”

  “He’s programmed to take me home the minute I start quoting Nietzsche.”

  “What’s wrong with that damned kid?”

  “Yes, it is a beautiful view, isn’t it?”

  “Can’t we just go after striped bass or something like that?”

  “It’s the man from the gun lobby, Senator.”

  “Don’t be afraid, dear—it’s a tree!”

  “Here’s my plan.…”

  “You never know what will catch on!”

  “… Well, I couldn’t believe I’d actually got them eating corn, right? But there they were, doing it! So I figured, what the hell! Why not try it? And I said, ‘Hey—you people ever thought of having a turkey for dinner?’”

  “Spiders just can’t resist Harry!”

  “Oh, shut up, Johnson. We’ll go back to using puppies the second they send us some more!”

  “… and this looks like a tiny pair of aqualungs!”

  “You mean you have survived the last seventeen years on a diet of little green lizards?”

  “Take it from me, buddy—at seventy-five score and ten it’s a steal.”

  “You spit out Dr. Harper this very minute!”

  “All right, then—now what are you going to do?”

  “What the hell, sweetheart—if you want it, it’s yours!”

  “Okay, now put Tab A into Slot B.”

  “He just loves his cute little postmortem doll!”

  “I figure everybody else is doing it.”

  “See what I mean? No matter how many times I pull its trigger, the damned thing just won’t fire!”

  “Big deal!”

  “Do you ever catch yourself wondering if all this is only part of some crazy experiment?”

  “You really miss her, don’t you, Lou?”

  “This girl had better be it, young man!”

  “I’m over here, you fool!”

  “The Boston Strangler!”

  “Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman?”

  “Breathless?”

  “Something by Shakespeare?”

  “When did you first become aware of this imagined ‘plot to get you,’ Mr. Potter?”

  “Things really get a little crazy here around Mother’s Day!”

  “Oh, I bet he’s the fellow who’s in all the papers!”

  “I’ve said all along this firm just needed a little new blood!”

  “Life is like … ah … life is … uhm … like … er … life is like a dream!”

  “Uh—Carstairs—I’ve found something that may come as quite a surprise to the foundation!”

  “Kill!”

  “This is the toy department, sir!”

  “How did you come to name your boat the Revenge, Captain?”

  “Wrong door!”

  “I suppose you’ve all been wondering why the corporation’s called this little do a ‘termination party.’”

  “Congratulations, Ecological Disaster—it’s not often we admit another horseman into the Apocalypse!”

  “So far, all the tests indicate, as we feared, that you are a cocker spaniel.”

  “Amazing, what they can do with plastic.”

  “So hey, is that as cute as a button or what?”

  “I’m afraid this town has gotten to be just a little too tough for super heroes!”

  “Here’s his left foot.”

  “Oh, sir—we local folk never ever looks into the pond!”

  “Your place is back out there on the lawn, buddy!”

  “I think it means we’d better find some shade!”

  “I just pray to God that none of those poor, dear, innocent children ever see you when you get like this!”

  “Having fun, kids?”

  “It’s just something that’s going around.”

  “In a strange way, General, we may have brought all this upon ourselves!”

  “Wow! Wait’ll I tell Dr. Feldman about this dream!”

  “You can tell she’s thinking it over.”

  “First, let me put your mind at ease about that being a hallucination.…”

  “For heaven’s sake—why can’t you leave me alone?”

  “Somehow I thought the whole thing would be a lot classier!”

  “Thank heaven they’re finally starting to worry about the greenhouse effect!”

  “Did you or did you not employ a leash to drag your cairn terrier, Jack, away from the corner of Park Avenue and Sixty-fifth Street in spite of his making every effort to clearly indicate to you that he wished to stay where he was?”

  “Well, we found out what’s been clogging up your drains!”

  “Talk about your cut-rate operations.…”

  “It’s a lot more fun this way, isn’t it?”

  “Whoever they are, they’ve sold out.”

  “I don’t know how we ever got along without the stuff.”

  “Harry, I really think you ought to go to the doctor.”

  “Good grief—he’s writing out Lucile!”

  “You’re not telling Mr. Bennett what he wants to hear!”

  “Of course, this is only an ideal for which we strive!”

  “No fair turning yourself off, Mr. Hasbrow!”

  “… If I might have Your Honor’s undivided attention?”

  “How did a guy like you ever get into a business like this?”

  “Er, driver, just let me off right here, please!”

  “It strikes me you’ve made a great deal of bother over very little, Baskerville.”

  “How do you suppose young Ainsworth’s so damned sharp at spotting tombs?”

  “Okay, remember, now—you’re this giant.”

  “Very well, Miss Apple—call my broker.”

  “Hey, Mac, which way to the Tall Girls Boutique?”

  “Anyhow, the article in the Times says they were only hibernating and the greenhouse effect has brought them out.”

  “Wonderful! This way I can go block after block talking to myself and nobody looks at me as if I were crazy.”

  “They didn’t used to behave like that!”

  “It’s been awful for business, Mrs. Schultz, but it was Charlie’s last wish.”

  “Yes, I must admit I’ve done rather well here.”

  “And you, sir—have you a request for our strolling whistler?”

  “Over there.”

  “Of course, it doesn’t pay as much as during the season.”

  “Surprise!”

  “Harriet? You’ll never guess who’s here!”

  “Sorry to keep you so late, but I’m determined to get to the bottom of this werewolf fixation of yours.”

  “That’s a cloud, too. They’re all clouds.”

  “Jesus Christ, Sergeant—what the hell kind of place is this?”

  “I love it!”

  “All this fuss and bother just because of a damned heart attack!”

  “One day, when he’s old and feeble,
he’ll be in a nostalgic mood, and he’ll come up here to see us again, and to reminisce—and then we’ll get him!”

  “Tell him I’m still busy and put him on hold again with that horrible music!”

  “The hell with this stuff!”

  “Easy on the fast balls, will you, kid?”

  “That is not the mood we’re trying to get across out here, Parker!”

  “I knew you’d be happy here, Weslie!”

  “I can’t understand why we always have such awful luck getting a cab!”

  “Harry always said genetic engineering would be a big mistake!”

  “… Only a minute or so more and man will have his first view of the other side of the moon!”

  “Strange, my missing wife also complained about having an enormous tank of piranha in the living room!”

  “Ah, well—back to business.”

  “Funny thing. Eddie was always sure a meteor would get him.”

  “This is not going to help my messianic complex, Doctor.”

  “Well, it’s certainly no one I know!”

  “Thank God!”

  “This is getting us nowhere!”

  “Ding dong the witch is dead!”

  “Looking good, Larry!”

  “Then, after you have spent those thirty years working your heart out on the company’s production line, you will be laid off because of a corporate merger, only to discover you have lost all your retirement benefits.”

  “Get back! Get back!”

  “Happy New Year!”

  “The doctors … say … they’ve never … seen … another case quite like it.”

  “Somehow, somewhere along the line, this town lost its pride.”

  “There you are, you naughties!”

  “I’m afraid all we can do is operate and hope they don’t continue to spread!”

  “I’m Special Agent Kerrington, of the FBI, Mr. Ently, and I just wanted you to know that we’ve checked you out and you’re a good citizen.”

  “Thank you. And my friend’s is made of rough canvas and has leather straps sewn into it.”

  “Oh, yes, and that’s another thing, Mrs. Salzman. Don’t do that anymore to Mr. Salzman.”

  “Yeah? Well, they don’t make me feel insignificant, fella!”

  “Of course he eats like a horse—what in God’s name did you expect?”

  “What’s that, kid? I can’t make out what you’re trying to say.”

  “I paint what I see, child.”

  “Of course, the place wouldn’t seem so small if we weren’t elephants.”

  “Is nothing sacred?”

  “We may already be too late, Mr. Parker.”

  “Frankly, I think you’d be well advised not to get a dog, sir.”

  “This is Willy, and this is Willy’s imaginary playmate.”

  “I don’t know, man—sometimes I feel you’re wrong for the movement!”

  “Sorry I’m not making myself clearer, but it’s hard to express yourself in a language as crude and primitive as ours.”

  “Matilda, you’ve forgotten to dust Mr. Harper!”

  “It happens.”

  “You’d better adjust that freezer.”

  “To the lunatic fringe!”

  “I tell you, Mr. Arthur, this survey has no way of registering a nonverbal response!”

  “I thought he seemed depressed!”

  “Watch out for the fourth step.”

  “Look—you can see where I carved my initials into his shell when I was a kid!”

  “I’ll take that one!”

  “When will you accept it, Hallahan? I am holier than thou.”

  “He owed me a month’s wages when he died, and he’s going to work it out.”

  “Of course I’m always careful to keep the TV set turned on!”

  “Your Honor, the defense contends its client could never get a fair trial in this court.”

  “Ed! Run! It’s a trap!”

  “And now may I bite your neck?”

  “God only knows where he bags them.”

  “Name your poison.”

  “It’s so pleasant to watch a man who really enjoys his work!”

  “You use inferior materials, you get inferior demons.”

  “Look—I may just be a recorded message, but that doesn’t give you the right to talk to me that way!”

  “Floor, please.”

  “Looks like we can’t expect to find much in that direction.”

  “Surely we can’t have been meant for drudgery such as this!”

  “Oh, relax, for God’s sake!”

  “Can’t we just go after sailfish…?”

  “Well, now—what seems to be the trouble?”

  “… But enough of shop talk…”

  “Of course you understand I’m very, very glad they’ve brought back the wolves!”

  “It’s a forgery—and a recent one, too.”

  “Oh, grow up, Jack!”

  “You’re right—this scene did call for a stunt man!”

  “Now, George, if our Harry wants to dedicate his life to fighting evildoers and upholding the forces of law and order, I don’t think we should stand in his way!”

  “I think we’re in real trouble!”

  “You’re fired, Mysto!”

  “Just watching faces in the fire, pet.”

  “He hasn’t been the same since George died.”

  “Oh, God—now here go the people from downstairs!”

  “I don’t know, Professor, this civilization is so primitive, it hardly seems worth our time!”